Your stars for week beginning 27.6.11

June 26, 2011 § 1 Comment

This week, if you’re unhappy with your own horoscope, look down the list and use someone else’s. It’s not like any of this shit is real anyway. Just kidding… live by the stars, die by the stars! (Not really, do whatever you want).

ARIES: Lesbians. That’s what your stars are telling me. You either are one, you’re gonna be one or you’re in love with one and you don’t realise it yet. Whatever the case, it’s a win win win situation.

LEO: Immediate family members will be crucial to your sense of well-being this week. Try to avoid them.

LIBRA: Far be it for me to recommend the use of illegal narcotics but some high grade opium or peyote might provide the dose of true self-awareness you’re so chronically lacking. STOP TOUCHING YOUR WORK MATES INAPPROPRIATELY!

SCORPIO: Last week’s concern for friends in need did not go unnoticed. Look forward to 7 magical days with plenty of people offering you kind advice, foot massages and oral sex.

TAURUS: You know what, Taurus? Do whatever the fuck you want this week and let’s see what happens. Seriously, go nuts, run riot, live instinctively, then drop me a line from your prison cell next Sunday begging for clear direction next week.

CANCER:  Make this the week you go out and reach for some of those goals you’ve been dreaming of, like stealing underwear off peoples’ lines, dressing up, taking photos of yourself, then sending them back the photos OR getting a better job. You choose.

SAGITTARIUS: Hey, you know how everyone has one person they just wanna punch in the face whenever they see them? Well this week, for most of the people you know, you’ll be that person. Keep your ratty little head down and don’t make eye contact with anyone, especially a man called Dennis.

VIRGO: Stop trying to please everyone. You look stupid and needy and you’re an embarrassment to your ancestors. (Oh, and everyone thinks you’re secretly a prostitute.)

AQUARIUS: Make some space in the garage because with Mercury in the 5th house and Jupiter in the 7th, you are going to fucking OWN this week. (Terms and conditions apply: Mercury may not be in the 5th house and Jupiter may not be in the 7th. I don’t even know what a ‘house’ is, but I love how mystical it all sounds).

GEMINI: Strive for balance in all areas of your life this week, especially in your sexual relationship(s). You’ve been spending a lot of time on top lately. Maybe it’s time to lay back or bend over and let others enjoy the ride.

PISCES: Just… whatevs. You know what to do.

CAPRICORN: What are you, dude… a goat? Seriously, do you really think the stars give a shit about goats? I reckon Pythagoras was struggling when he came up with old Capricorn. Hmmm, let’s see… I’ve got 11 signs… one to go… late night… way out of ideas… what’s lying around out here in the middle of the desert – Hey, there’s a goat. A GOAT! That’ll fucking do. Look, I think you’re in for a pretty cool few days, just don’t eat clothes or a plastic bucket or try escaping from your paddock.

These are the most accurate star readings you will find on the internet. Share them with your friends through facebook so they can benefit from my rare gifts and insights.

Terms and Conditions: All star readings are accurate at time of publication. HC reserves the right to alter readings based on what he believes to be best for any particular star sign.

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