MY NEW BOOK ‘The Penis That Saw Too Much’

June 27, 2011 § Leave a comment

Being a guru, a lot of people tell me their dreams and ask me what they mean. So after undertaking some intense but limited research I’ve written this book to keep by your bed, so that when you wake up wondering why your dad’s right ear was on fire or how come you were running in slow motion when THE CHICKEN OF DEATH was chasing you, you’ll have an easy reference guide to your dreams. Here are some examples of what the book contains:

The penis that saw too much: If you dream that your penis or the penis of someone you know has seen too much, it is likely that you are about to inherit a great deal of wealth from an unknown benefactor. Unfortunately, if the penis seems pleased to have seen too much, this inheritence will not eventuate because the penis didn’t have respect for boundaries and would not have managed the money well. However, if the penis seems upset about having seen so much, if it seems to be crying, it shows that you are remorseful, respectful of privacy and the inheritance will be yours.

The Falling child: To dream of a child falling means that you are not drinking enough milk and are likely to develop osteoporosis in a few years time. Obviously the child represents the milk and the falling represents you when your legs won’t work properly.

Running in slow motion: Many people dream they are being chased by some form of enemy and can only run in slow motion. Let’s explore why. If a bear was chasing you when you were awake, you wouldn’t be running in slow motion, so why when you’re asleep? EXACTLY! When you’re asleep you run in slow motion because you’re asleep. Like seriously, who couldn’t have figured that out? Jung schmung!

Tom: If you dream of a person called Tom, you’re going to have a good day. Toms are traditionally strong, cheerful people who get on with things and set a good example to those around them.

The donkey and the Eskimo: This is a rare but significant dream. As you know, for centuries donkies have helped Eskimos carry their belongings on long, often arduous journeys across the ice. Dreaming of a donkey and an Eskimo together signifies that your spirit is in perfect alignment with the Universe and that you’re probably going to have a baby soon, even if you’re over 71 and have ‘had the snip.’

Licking and sucking a dollop of cream from the tip of a banana: Your potassium levels might be a bit low.

Your great great grandmother was a whore: To dream that your great great grandmother was a whore can have multiple meanings. If she was a wealthy whore it means she was quite attractive and that men would pay good money to have sex with her. If she was a poor whore it means she may have been a really lovely person in her heart but would not have made such a good prostitute and hopefully found work in other fields. Clearly this dream doesn’t mean your great great grandmother was a whore, (although she may have dabbled). It just means that maybe your Mum is one, or that your Dad might be having an affair with an older woman who looks like your Mum… your Grandma maybe – fuck, I don’t know…work it out for yourself!

So please keep an eye out in bookshops for my book. It hasn’t been published quite yet, but Allen and Unwin assure me that it will be on shelves once they’ve done some ‘veracity checks’, whatever the hell that means.

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