How to be a better person than you are now

June 30, 2011 § 2 Comments

We can learn much from our goat brothers and sisters.

If some Christians are to be believed you’re not that nice. In fact, you’re a disgrace. You’re a lying, sinful, miserable piece of shit floating aimlessly in your own sordidity, and the only time you’re doing any good at all is when you’re down on your knees, licking God’s unfathomably deep arsecrack. Personally, I think it highly unlikely, (and unreasonable), that some supernatural entity demands the adoration of a bunch of degenerate primates, (that never even asked to be created), in return for creating them. ‘Love me or rot in Hell’ seems a little petulant for the vast, all knowing father-figure that created THE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE in 6 days. But that, my friends, is beside the point.

The point is that I have a slightly more optimistic view of human nature. For the most part I think we’re doing OK, but there is room for improvement. So here’s my three step program to being slightly better than you are now.

Number 1: Quit bitching. Seriously, everybody’s so busy dealing with their own shit – their heartbreaks; their magic mushroom flashbacks (‘Pelicans are cool. I’m a pelican. I’m a human pelican. Hey, I really am a human pelican… but… but where’s my bill? WHERE’S MY BIG FLAPPY THROAT BILL THINGY?’); their dead-end jobs with their cock-munching bosses; their soul-sucking, guilt peddling families – everyone’s so busy with their own shit, no-one gives a fuck about you and your never-ending issues. So what if your scrotum feels a bit tingly? So what if your best friend keeps forgetting your name? So what if your husband ran off with the one and only Mormon you ever invited into the house? GET OVER IT! I’m actually a trained guru who gets paid to give a shit, and I don’t. In fact, most of my Uni training focussed on trying to stay awake and feign interest in people’s problems. So don’t go kidding yourself that anyone really cares. Sadly, the person you’re pissing off most with your whinging and whining is you, constantly reinforcing your own negative perceptions of who and what you are. Honestly, it’s not that bad. Here… do this quick test to see how awful your life actually is… ARE YOU ALIVE? Yes? Well shut the fuck up and be thankful that out of all the things that will never, ever, ever come into existence, you’re not one of them.

Number 2: Show compassion. It might surprise you to find that being nice to people feels quite good. You don’t have to go spoon-feeding fly-blown AIDS orphans in the Congo every three months, (although that’ll rack you up some pretty serious karma points). Start by paying the odd superficial compliment here and there. Toss a busker that useless New Zealand coin the bitch in the deli refused to accept. Offer your friend some Twisties when he’s looking the other way then quickly pull the bag back before he becomes aware of the offer. At least you offered! Just be a bit nicer and you’ll feel a bit nicer. It truly works.

Number 3: Do things that that make you feel good. Sex and associated activities with a trusted (or not) partner are awesome but I’m told there are other things that can make you feel pretty amazing too. Unfortunately I don’t have time to look into that right now but if you try a google image search on oh fuck that feels good you’ll get some clear ideas. (WARNING: A google image search on oh fuck that feels good will lead you to explicit heterosexual & homosexual imagery that will get you fired from your job and talked about long after you’re gone).

So there you go! Three quick tips to becoming a happier, more livable person. And before you go thanking me, thank yourself for taking the first tentative steps down the long, exciting road to self-betterment.

Please click the facebook button below and let your friends benefit from my immense wisdom and rare insights in the same way that you have. 


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