LABIARINTH: The young man’s guide to being better in bed (or wherever).

July 6, 2011 § Leave a comment

She doesn't care about Star Wars. She has no interest in your Droid collection.

Being a celebrity Guru, people come to me seeking clarity on a range of issues, from bed-wetting to eating disorders to choosing a reliable internet service provider. Yesterday I spoke with a young man who was having trouble pleasuring his lady friend and I realised there are probably millions of young men out there with plenty of will but not much way. Obviously I’m not about to hand over any of my awesome moves but I will provide a few basics that might help the clueless young buck enter the bedroom, (or phone box, or toilet cubicle or public swimming pool), with a little more confidence.

Do not fake it. If you know you’re a shit root, don’t pretend you’re good because your partner will find you out in under 4 seconds. Recognise your inexperience, acknowledge your inadequacies – your small penis, your boring average sized penis, your stupidly large penis, your unusually big dark nipples, your super hairy nut-sack, your over-productive sweat glands, your excessively low pleasure threshold, your poncho-like foreskin – accept these things and declare to your partner before reaching for the zip, ‘I am unlikely to meet any of your sexual needs.’ This way she has the option to walk away and find a more competent young man to have sex with, or she can rapidly downgrade her already pitiful expectations of you.

Foreplay. Just because you were ready to fornicate after she brushed against your leg leaving Hungry Jacks, doesn’t mean she was. The female has wildly different machinery to yours. It’s an elaborate maze of psychological, biological and sexological freakiness. So in much the same way that your team trainer might warm you up before the game, you must warm her up, (minus the Deep Heat). Be gentle, but not too gentle. Be commanding, but not too commanding. Use every part of your body (except your elbows) to prepare her for lovemaking. Be guided by her gasps, her twists and turns, her fingers pointing at stuff, any lists she might make. And after an hour or two when she asks, Is everything OK down there, say yes, even if you’re dangerously high on her musky scent or drunk on her… um… intoxicating ladyness. Just go easy on the slurping sounds, they’re embarrassing for everyone.

Never cry after your first orgasm. The first assisted ‘spilling of seed’ marks a monumental moment in the life of any young male, but crying for your lost innocence is immeasurably uncool and will in no way endear you to your partner. In fact she will find it ridiculous and repulsive, her friends will mock you, and within a week you will be known nationwide as The Boy That Cried When He Came. SBS might even make a documentary about you but don’t worry, you’ll be too busy committing suicide to notice. Honestly, the only tear you should shed for your lost innocence is the big thick pearly one leaving your body at 100 kms an hour.

You are an animal. If you become anxious prior to the act of love-making, it might help you to remember that fucking is our sole reason for existence. Nature doesn’t care if you’re good at Connect Four, able to simultaneously rub your tummy and pat your head, or just a really fun dude to hang out with. Put delicately, nature wants you to find a woman preferably less than half a century old and ejaculate into her vaginal cavity so that the human race can go on. So when you’re lying there all nervous, at half-mast, waiting for her to finish her secret bathroom business – bare your teeth, give the old boy a shake, and scream viking-like into the nearest pillow, THIS IS MY DESTINY. Seriously dude, you’re gonna be fine.

Please share this through your Facebook page so that other young men and ultimately women may benefit from my rare gifts and insights. Thank you. You’re welcome.

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