Why I Will Not Sleep With Tony Abbott

July 15, 2011 § Leave a comment

'Horace Copes refuses to what?'

I’m not gay but there are some guys I’d rather have sex with than others if, say, all the women on Earth mysteriously died, my hands fell off and I could no longer masturbate, or the Government forced me to. This list includes Johnny Depp (who fucking wouldn’t), Ewan McGregor (such a rascally rabbit), and Ricky Martin (he’s had some good reviews). But under no circumstances would I have sex with Tony Abbott and here are 10 reasons why.

 1. He’s a fear mongering arsehole.

 2. See 1.

3. He takes too long to say stuff. Those gigantic pauses between words would shit me to tears and I’d have to a) finish his sentences for him, b) ask him to talk a little faster, c) thrust a little harder.

4. He would oppose my every move for oppositions sake. For instance:

ME: How about we –

TONY: – No!

ME: But if I can just get my leg through –

TONY: Not on my watch!

ME: Well would you mind if I just get in here behind you and –

TONY: – Missionary or nothing, dipshit.

5. He opposes a tax on big polluters. What backward thinking idiot opposes a tax on big polluters? I couldn’t sleep with any man who opposes a tax on big polluters.

6. After bickering over who sleeps in the wet spot (him), we’d argue about religion and I’d say, ‘Tones, mate, if this God of your’s sent his son, Jesus, to explain himself to us, you’d think his son might have included in at least one of his speeches that his omnipotent father was not of that time, had a whole fucking Universe to deal with and wouldn’t be involving himself in the petty affairs of the day like gayness, sex during menstruation and all of that other Leviticus bullshit.’ And in fact, I think Tony’s Catholic guilt would ruin the whole homosexual experience for both of us.

7. He has three incredibly hot daughters and his wife’s not bad either. It wouldn’t be fair to be fucking him while I’m thinking of them.

8. He’s very fit. He would drain me physically.

9. He has such silly ears. You can’t make wild, unbridled love to a man when you’re busy laughing at his ears.

10. I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could shoot my load across the room at him. He fans the flames of fear for political advantage. He accuses this government of dishonesty when he himself was one of Howard’s most ardent admirers/foot soldiers. He has himself admitted he cannot be trusted to tell the truth all of the time. He conveniently forgets that not so long ago he supported a price on Carbon: Quote, ‘If you want to put a price on carbon, why not just do it with a simple tax?’ Unfuckingquote! He is a sexist, dangerous, deeply negative player on our political field and it concerns me greatly that he already holds as much power as he does.

For these reasons and many more I will not be sleeping with Tony Abbott and I urge all decent men not to do the same.


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