Women: How to make your marriage work

June 23, 2011 § Leave a comment

'God makes you do this how often?'

My last post regarding men and marriage attracted the highest number of hits of any post to date, so I thought it only fair to offer my wedlock wisdom to women who may be struggling in their relationships or just wish to gain a deeper insight into what drives their partner.

1. Firstly, to women contemplating marriage, a husband is a complex and demanding creature. If you’re not willing to spend time training, feeding and providing adequate shelter for him, then marriage may not be for you.

2. Blowjobs! Just sayin’.

3. When a husband feels unwell, wives will often compare his condition to childbirth – the suggestion being that if the discomfort he’s experiencing is less intense than having a small human rip its way out of his vagina, he should toughen the fuck up. But most men don’t have vaginas so this metaphor will always be lost on them. As a man who has felt unwell from time to time, it’s pretty bad, so just try being nice to him rather than making it ALL ABOUT YOU.

4. When your hair starts turning grey you might choose not to dye it out of respect for nature and the ageing process. Grey hair – your choice – no problem. However, if your grey hair triggers a noticeable increase in your husband’s sexual appetite, you’ve got yourself a granny-banger and it’s time to jump ship.

5. Don’t nag. The more you nag, the more likely your husband is to develop the debilitating condition known as Nagolepsy. Symptoms include him falling asleep whenever you open your mouth and trying very hard not to wake up.

6. When you ask your partner if he thinks your arse looks big in a particular outfit, and either through his unwavering commitment to the truth or sheer inexperience, he answers ‘yes’, try to restrict sulking time to 10 minutes. After all, you asked the question and he’s actually saving you from the bitchy sniggers and whispers of your so-called friends.

7. See 2.

8. If your husband’s breasts are bigger than yours, don’t play with them during sex or suggest he wear lower cut tops to accentuate his cleavage. He has a different relationship with his bosoms than you have with yours.

9. I’ve heard some old people say, ‘married couples should never let the sun go down on an argument’ but what happens if the argument simply cannot be resolved before that? What if it’s one of those drunken Escher-like arguments that just keeps going round and round? ‘But you said you found him attractive… and where are your underpants?’ ‘I said he was good looking if you like red hair, sharp teeth and wrinkly little elf hands… and my underpants are right here in my jacket pocket you paranoid son-of-a-bitch.’ Seriously, what self respecting spouse accepts defeat just because night is falling. Fuck the sun! Fuck time! Fight til there’s a clear winner and make sure it’s you!

10. One of the biggest problems I find in my talks with married women is that they feel they’re forever having to look after their husbands, organising them, mothering them. Recent tests carried out (by me) show that most men are so busy doing what they want to do, they neglect the things they need to do. This being the case, I suggest you book yourself a three month overseas holiday, thereby forcing him into a sink or swim situation. You’ll either return to a gaunt, groaning wreck of a man flailing about an empty pantry or you’ll be welcomed home by the super guy you always dreamed of. WARNING: It’s probably gonna be the stinky, bony dude twitching in the pantry, but who knows, your man might be the exception to the rule.

Supplementary tip: Telling your husband it’s OK or not OK with you if he masturbates will only provide him with more proof of your self-importance. He doesn’t want or need your permission to whack off. The Universe demands it of him. Let it be.

Please share this on your facebook page so that your married sisters may benefit from my rare insight. Private consultations are available but I’m currently between offices so it would be in my car.


Men: How to make your marriage work

June 18, 2011 § 3 Comments

Date night doesn't have to be at night.

I’m not married but I have some friends who are, and as their Guru, they often turn to me for assistance with their troubled relationships. So I’ve compiled this list of easy to follow advice that may or may not help as you navigate your way through the emotional minefield we all know as marriage, or Oh sweet terrible Jesus, what the fuck have I done, as one of my friends calls it. So here we go, number one…

1. Don’t be a selfish cunt!

2. As you enter or leave a restaurant, it’s still considered gallant to hold the door open for your wife. But don’t get in her way, or worse, trip yourselves over and use her face, breasts and/or pelvis to cushion your fall. That will really annoy her and extinguish the remote chance you had of getting laid.

3. When you point out other women that you find attractive, your wife will automatically compare herself to them. I advise against doing it at all but if you have brain-damage or a death-wish and you absolutely insist upon it, a) only point out the ones that look a lot like her but, b) are wider, shorter, uglier and preferably balding.

4. After making love with your wife, try talking to her a for a minute or two before falling asleep or going back to watch television or surf porn. This extremely romantic gesture won’t go unnoticed.

5. Never call your wife a filthy whore, even in jest. She may know that deep down you don’t think she’s an unhygienic slut that pays other men for sex, but there’s something about the term filthy whore that really gets under a wife’s skin.

6. When it’s cold, lend your jacket to your wife. But don’t then stand there shivering and snivelling about the cold, hoping she’ll give the jacket back. This is seen by women as very weak behaviour and within two months, your wife will have found another partner with thicker skin and more powerful haunches for mating.

7. Always be yourself, but not too yourself. You might feel you’re the perfect package and probably almost 40% of you is. But your wife doesn’t care about that 40%. She just wants the other 60% to improve, and you and I both know that’s never going to happen. So make that 60% look like 20% by hiding the other 40% in some dark, damp corner of your soul she never checks on.

8. See 1.

9. Once you’ve been married for over 3 years, don’t write poems to your wife. Even if you’re a professional poet, it’s not expected and she will wonder what the fuck is going on.

10. Be physically and emotionally gentle with your wife. By hurting her you are hurting yourself because as you know, you no longer have an identity of your own. Hurting your spouse is like tripping your partner over in a three legged race. You will lose the race and worse, still be tied to your partner.

One last tip, and this one’s for free. No matter how high pitched, how incredibly low, how quiet, how long, how wet or how fruity, your wife will never appreciate the sounds and smells that come out of your arse the same way you do. So when you’re lying there tomorrow morning thinking about pulling the sheet over her head and making her a prisoner of Captain Stinky, think again!

Feel free to post this on your facebook page OR print it out and letterbox-drop your local area so that all of our married brothers may benefit from my rare insight.

Special midweek star guide

June 14, 2011 § 1 Comment

Sorry I’ve been off the radar for a while. I’m in San Diego of all places guest-speaking at the CRYSTAL TESTICLE MYSTICAL FAIR where the focus is on mens health issues. I’ll be home in a week or two, but I do have time for a quick mid-week star session to keep you on track. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

ARIES: Shut the fuck up, stop being an arsehole and try listening to others. I want a big improvement in your stars next week you selfish prick.

TAURUS: You are wise and beautiful. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

LEO: Seriously, quit with the growling and the roaring. You’re not actually a lion.

CANCER: Hey, how’s it going? You OK? Sorry about last week. You are an important member of the Zodiac family. It was wrong of me to shut you down like that.

GEMINI: If you insist on sucking cock before work, give your chin a quick wipe. No-one’s buying the yoghurt line.

VIRGO: Don’t run with your toothbrush in your mouth, or the scissors. In fact, never put the scissors in your mouth.

SCORPIO: Good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately your need for instant gratification means nothing good is coming your way for a really long time. Just lucky you’ve already hoarded tonnes of cool shit to get you through this drought.

AQUARIUS: That new thing you’re doing during boring conversations – the ‘oh my God you are so fucking interesting’ nod and squint – it’s really working.

CAPRICORN: Wow! Look at you. You’re tired, you’re emotional, you’re a little bit ugly. Just stay home, burn some incense and chant quietly, THIS WILL PASS. THIS WILL PASS.

PISCES: The Universe loves you. Everything is super and beautiful in Fishland. Oh, hang on… no it’s not. You have a blood clot behind your left eye and … no wait… it’s ok. Getting my stars crossed. You’re all good.

SAGITTARIUS: Pat Benatar had it right, love is a battlefield. Just remember to throw the grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.

LIBRA: Keep a close eye on that seedy motherfucker you live with – that’s right, the one you married. Something just ain’t right behind those lyin’ eyes.

These are the most accurate star readings you will find on the internet. Share them with your friends so they can benefit from my incredible insight.

Terms and Conditions: All star readings are accurate at time of publication. HC reserves the right to alter readings based on what he believes to be best for any particular star sign.

Are you normal?

June 9, 2011 § Leave a comment

Well are you?

Oprah has a poll on her website that will tell you how normal you are. Questions like, ‘Do you lie? Do you treat your pets like humans? Do you clean in the nude?’ Oprah suggests you take this poll to find out if your daily behavior is normal which brings us to the age-old question, how do we – as a society – define normal. For instance, cleaning in the nude may be highly abnormal for members of a Christian Womens’ group in Utah but may be a condition of entry to some nude cleaning cult in Byron Bay. Given the breadth and depth of differences within our society I believe Oprah’s poll runs a little shallow. So I’ve created a short 10 question poll of my own. If you answer YES to any of these questions, you have every right to consider yourself abnormal. Give it a go:

1. Have you ever killed someone and eaten their brain in an attempt to possess their intelligence?

2. Have you ever been to Iceland?

3. Is it OK to wear underpants 9 days in a row if you’ve mostly been just sitting around?

4. When you eat meat do you try not to chew so as not to ‘reharm’ the animal?

5. Have you ever fallen in love with – and/or tried to change government legislation in order to marry – an insect?

6. Are you afraid of the light?

7. Have you ever been a member of a professional mime troupe?

8. Is your arse-crack more than 40cm long?

9. YES or NO: True love can only be shared by a man and a woman because some invisible giant guy in the sky who created the entire Universe in 6 days and needed a rest on the 7th says so.

10. Like Oprah, do you earn over $260 million per year?

OK, so how did you go? Did you get the ruler out for #8?

Look, please don’t get me wrong, I love Oprah, but come on, what would she know about being normal? In fact, I believe she’s running that headline and that poll simply to attract people to her website, exploiting our innate desire to fit in and feel normal, to maximise click-throughs and boost her advertising worth. And the day I start employing such cynical tactics to draw people to my blog is the day I should get out of this crazy, cut-throat super-guru game.

How to stop picking your nose

June 8, 2011 § 4 Comments

What's on tonight's menu, Curtis?

Sorry to break this to you, but you will never entirely stop picking your nose. There are chemical allurants lining your nostril walls that attract your fingers. However, do not lose hope. Once a chronic nose picker, I have learned to restrain myself through cognitive behavioural therapy. As a child, nasally speaking, I was a shocking self-penetrator. I once created a detailed map of the solar system across my bedroom ceiling and walls using nothing but my own nostril discharge. As a teen I fashioned a pair of warm Winter boots (more a double cast I guess) from the same stuff and constantly wondered why someone wasn’t farming it. It’s readily available, the manufacturing costs are low and it dries hard like cement. Of course I was oblivious to the hygiene issues and social stigma associated with nose-picking and if not for my step-father, Ted, I’d probably still be ramming my thumbs and fingers up there every chance I get. Like so many obsessive behaviors, be it compulsive activities or the ceaseless contemplation of sex with dwarves, (let’s face it, we’ve all been down that long, winding road of guilty pleasure), the key to freedom lies in distraction. Distract yourself! When those chemicals are aroused and your fingers start twitching, turn your attention to some other activity, reading, house cleaning, writing a letter to a friend. It won’t be easy, the attraction is strong but your will is stronger. Picture your mind as a field of long grass. As you forge productive new paths through that field, the grass will grow back over old ones, and soon the path to your nose will be but a thin trail for emergency use only.

Your stars for week beginning 6/6/11

June 5, 2011 § Leave a comment

ARIES: Laid back and creative but quick to anger. Sound familiar? Try smoking some bongs, doing some finger painting and chilling the fuck out, coz this temperamental artist shit is driving everyone mental.

TAURUS: Be honest – paypal hasn’t really been your pal lately, has it? You’ve been buying loads of ridiculous shit that you just don’t need. This week lay off ebay, lay off Amazon, reign in your unnecessary spending and get a financial grip. Shiatsu massage chair… for fucks sake!

LEO: You are in for a seriously awesome week. Honestly, multiply BRILLIANT by HELL YEAH, add a GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY and divide it by THE BEST 7 DAYS EVER and that’s where it’s heading. And if anything goes wrong call me for a refund because as hard as I’ve looked, I cannot see a single cloud on your horizon.

CANCER: My friend’s dad died of Cancer last week so no stars for you this week. Not your fault, I know, but the mere sight of you makes me sick.

GEMINI: Mind your manners. You’ve been dropping a few pleases and thank-yous lately and it hasn’t gone unnoticed. And quit bitching about your parents. They fucking made you and it doesn’t matter how annoying they are or how much guilt they pile on you. Be nicer.

VIRGO: Crisis impending. No matter how much this week makes your brain burn, your nose bleed and your heart ache, be patient… hang in there. People will test you but do not resort to violence because you are not a very good fighter and it will just give people another thing to ridicule you about.

SCORPIO: As the moon drifts through your tenth house of career and reputation (whatever that means, I got it from another website) you will find yourself in the public spotlight this week. So don’t go fucking around with crazy new haircuts or burnt orange lipstick. Whatever got you here, keep doing it.

AQUARIUS: With the new moon comes an opportunity to clear up the more cluttered areas of your life. Or do what you normally do, create more problems and clutter it up some more. No, Aquarius, seriously, sort your shit out or you’ll have a nervous breakdown and lose everything and everyone close to you.

CAPRICORN: The good news is you’ll be releasing giant stores of negative energy early this week. The bad news is your boss is planning to fire you on Wednesday. The sort of OK news is you’ll have plenty of time to rest Thursday/Friday.

PISCES: It’s playtime for Pisces this week. If you have hair, let it down. If you have a load, lighten it. If you have a bottle of tequila drink it, buy another one, drink that too, then go fuck a stranger in a park. What’s the worst thing that can happen?

SAGITTARIUS: Like Pisces, you need to lighten up this week. Breathe in the ultra cosmic vibes, breathe out the adolescent, self-loathing crap you’ve been clinging to for so many years. You’re a good person and you’ll be even better when you stop behaving like a 12 year old emo whose mum won’t allow tongue piercings.

LIBRA: Congratulations. It looks like you’re going to win a 4GB iPod shuffle this week.

These are the most accurate star readings you will find on the internet. Share them with your friends so they can benefit from my insight.

Terms and Conditions: All star readings are accurate at time of publication. HC reserves the right to alter readings based on what he believes to be best for any particular star sign.

Conquering your fear of success

June 3, 2011 § Leave a comment

JJ: Is anyone else reacting badly to the lobster?

Finding out in my late teens that I have a really famous dad, (Bobby Farrell – lead singer of Boney M – RIP), forced me to re-evaluate my own ambitions and in doing so I stumbled upon a psychological condition called FEAR OF SUCCESS. I don’t have this condition. I’m seriously open to any kind of success right now, just ask the giant Indonesian bird-moth squatting in my wallet. But my friend, Dee, suffers from it. She’s terrified that if she realises her dream of becoming a world-famous, cocaine addicted porn-star, her life will spiral out of control.

As Dee’s friend and guru, I’m OK with the porn-star thing. She’s simply combining two healthy pursuits, sex and money. But putting on my holistic health hat, I have problems with the cocaine addiction. Dee believes that with every Tom, Dick and Sally shooting their own fisting videos and squirting videos and OH JESUS, WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH THAT BASEBALL BAT (AND BALL) videos (AND GLOVE) – and with 90’s sex siren Jenna Jameson looking more like Sandra Bullock’s transsexual brother, (after the accident), the world is ready for a good old-fashioned, hell-raising, coke-snorting, deep-throating porn-queen.

So how do I help Dee overcome her fear of success and attain super porn-star, drug-slut status? Ironically it’s about setting boundaries. I’m suggesting she limit her cocaine use to afternoons, early evenings and late nights since that’s when she’ll need the buzz and crave a higher pain threshold. In terms of her fearing success, I’ve vowed to be there for support as her career takes shape, keeping a watchful eye on her stars, making sure she’s being gentle and kind to herself while everyone else exploits, degrades and abuses her. In fact Dee and I had a ‘support pledging’ ceremony the other night with two of her girlfriends and I’m hoping to squeeze another one in early next week.

Maybe there are some fears in your life that need addressing. Success, failure, intimacy, macrame owls, long-haired men, whatever. Don’t let fear and worry control your life and don’t be afraid to set boundaries. They could be just what you need to reach your ultimate goal. My beautiful friend, Dee Flowers, is a shining example of what we’re all capable of when we put fear aside and fight for our dreams. So send her your best cosmic vibes and keep an eye on her progress through the triple-penetration aisle at your local adult video store.