A Few Simple Gay Marriage Questions For Tony Abbott

Slowly and surely they drew their plans against us.

“It’s very important that we respect the importance of families … and the rights of children to at least start life with a mother and a father.”

Welcome to Tony Abbott’s reason for opposing gay marriage and instructing his colleagues to do similarly. If you are a journalist who enjoys access to Tony Abbott, please ask him the following questions (word for word):

1. Mr Abbott, how does allowing a same sex couple to marry disrespect the importance of families? Surely you’re not suggesting that the minute a gay couple marry they’re going to head out on a family-bashing spree, spitting on kids, punching and kicking their parents in their FILTHY HETEROSEXUAL CHILD PRODUCING GENITALS. Or is it your fear that once legally bound they’ll be perfectly positioned to launch their insidious attack upon the sacred institution of marriage ‘from the inside’. Tony, GAY COUPLES IN LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS ALREADY EXIST AND OUR FAMILIES ARE DOING FINE. Again, how will this change if two men or two women are allowed to commit themselves tenderly to each other in the same way hetero couples are (you stupid, discriminating prick)?

2. OK, now about these rights of children to start life with a mother and a father. Please consider the following parental combos:

• Alcoholic father – drug addict mother.

• Physically violent father – psychologically damaged mother.

• Sexually abusive father – turn a blind eye mother.

• Porn addict father – dead mother.

• Dead father – resentful, abusive  mother.

• Workoholic neglectful mother – Very tired, always sleepy, bong toting father.

• Invert each of the above combos.

Mr Abbott, is it seriously (like… seeeeriously) your view that any of these undesirable parental combinations, combinations we all accept exist extensively throughout Australian society, are superior to the love a child will receive in the care of a loving, well adjusted, same sex couple………….. Sorry Tony, didn’t quite catch that…… No? Right. OK. Great! Now having unexpectedly grasped that concept, can you wrap your giant bird-moth ears around this one:

• Loving, well adjusted father – loving, well adjusted mother  VS  loving, well adjusted same sex couple.

Extensive research shows that same sex couples raise equally balanced (and often equally unbalanced) kids as those raised by hetero couples, because Mr Abbott, as you may or may not be aware, the key to successful parenting doesn’t lie in your willy or your Vjay-jay. Successful parenting lies in your ability to provide children with love, and care, and freedom, and boundaries, all in equal measure, shepherding your cherished babies beyond harm so they may live long enough to enjoy harmonious, productive lives, at one with the world and those around them. WAIT… Tony, waaaaaiiiit… I know what you’re going to say… ‘so how on God’s Earth can two women possibly shepherd a child beyond harm the way a man can?’ Well I don’t know a lot of lesbians Mr Abbott, but the ones I’ve met would happily and easily kick the shit out of a swaggering, dribbling old bigot like you.

So Mr Abbott, I put it to you that your fierce OPPOSITION TO EQUALITY FOR ALL AUSTRALIANS, (because let’s not pretend it’s anything else), stems not from some carefully researched position – not from broad consultation with the homosexual community, but from your belief in the ancient teachings of a man called Jesus Christ, and that your consistent inability to separate matters of Church from matters of State renders you unfit to ever occupy the highest office in the land. On behalf of all clear thinking Australians I demand that you reverse your opposition to gay marriage and admit to everyone, (in a loud clear voice – none of this ‘uh… uh… um… let me just… uh… if you’ll just… uh.. uh.. um’ bullshit), that you realise deep down in your black, backward beating heart that gay people have as much right to get married as everyone else. That’s it, Tony… LOUD CLEAR VOICE!